Non-Fiction Work

What it’s Like Being a Freshman Musical Theatre Major in the Middle of a Pandemic

By, Ruth Anna Powell

There’s a whole lot of tears. Your brain is always racing and telling you that you aren’t good enough and that you need to be doing something else, and it doesn’t matter how much you love it, and it doesn’t matter how many times people told you that you were good, and it doesn’t matter that you feel so good when you’re on stage, you aren’t good enough, and you’ll never be good enough, and everyone is better than you.

There’s a whole lot of pain. After all, dancing until you’re struggling to breathe, and not being able to move you’re so sore, and wanting to cry but not being able to stop hurts. And it doesn’t matter how much you ice your shoulder, you wrenched it and it’s swelling and bruised and you’re holding back tears as your body gives up on you, and it doesn’t matter how many painkillers you take, your back hurts and you feel something in your leg and you’re afraid that this time when you wake up the next morning all the pain won’t be gone.

There’s a whole lot of disappointment. You work your ass off in that audition room, and you come out feeling good, and then you stand in front of the cast list for a few seconds before you have to hurry across campus hoping you don’t see anyone you know before you get back into your room and start to cry. You knew this would happen, and you prepared for it, but it hurts every time everyone’s name but yours is on that list and you can feel everyone’s eyes searing into the back of your head as their names are on that list over and over again and yours never is.

There will be a lot of people. The people that you text in the middle of the night when you’re failing and you’re falling apart and they’ll leave you on read because apparently, you’re just too much for them that night. These people will care more about everyone around them than they ever will about you. There will be those dates you go on, those people that you don’t care about, and don’t care about you, but their arms are warm and you wonder if maybe it’s your fault this keeps falling apart.

And then you’re told that the world around you is falling apart and that you need to pack up your stuff in boxes and leave by the weekend, but you don’t have boxes and you don’t have a plane ticket and you don’t know what you’re going to do.

And that’s when you think you’re finally going to give up

But then instead you go out with friends and get Taco Bell, and with your friend to get her tattoo, and then you sit in your room surrounded by amazing people until five in the morning and have one of the best nights of your life.

Because there will be a lot of friends. And they will be the friends that you have always wanted. They will be the friends that you can text at four in the morning and five minutes later they’ll show up at your room with your favorite cookies and make sure you’re ok. They’ll be the friends that will be just as excited as you are to go on random adventures on the weekend. They’ll be the friends that call you to let you know that you’re too good for those people who don’t care about you, and then call you again when they see someone downtown who would be perfect for you. They are the only people you have ever enjoyed having in your dorm until two almost every night, not even having to talk, just enjoying being around each other. The friends you have always needed in your life.

Because there will be a lot of success. You’ll know that you crushed that audition, and you’ll fly through the callbacks, and you’ll connect to the character so deeply you know everything about them. And then you’ll go, and you’ll be shaking, and you’ll be scared, and then you’ll look up on that list of names that has always been something you dread looking at, but then your name is at the top, and you got the role, and from then on your name is on the list you used to be so afraid of.

Because there will be a lot of strength. You’ll start to feel your body get stronger, and you’ll love to stretch and dance and move. You’ll stop being sore after every dance class and every stage fall, and you don’t have to be worried about your body giving up on you anymore, because you are no longer the person that you came in as. You are better.

And finally, because there will be a lot of laughter. You’ll stand in that classroom and sing and you won’t be able to stop smiling afterward because you’ve never heard yourself sound like that before, and two years ago you would never have dreamed you would be where you are now, and for the first time in a long time you feel like you can do this because you belong there.